2nd Sunday after Epiphany
John 1:29-39a
The next day [John] saw Jesus coming toward him and declared, “Here is the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world! This is he of whom I said, ‘After me comes a man who ranks ahead of me because he was before me.’ I myself did not know him; but I came baptizing with water for this reason, that he might be revealed to Israel.” And John testified, “I saw the Spirit descending from heaven like a dove, and it remained on him. I myself did not know him, but the one who sent me to baptize with water said to me, ‘He on whom you see the Spirit descend and remain is the one who baptizes with the Holy Spirit.’ And I myself have seen and have testified that this is the Son of God.” The next day John again was standing with two of his disciples, and as he watched Jesus walk by, he exclaimed, “Look, here is the Lamb of God!”
The two disciples heard him say this, and they followed Jesus. When Jesus turned and saw them following, he said to them, “What are you looking for?” They said to him, “Rabbi” (which translated means Teacher), “where are you staying?” He said to them, “Come and see.”
What are you looking for?
Now that we’re starting a new year together, and having finished my first calendar year, here with all of you at Plymouth, I’m reminded of that first email that I received from our conference minister, Rev. Marc Stewart, asking me if I might be interested in a position with a church in Montana. I remember the whirlwind interview process, and the search committee offering me the position. I remember thinking about my decision to move out of the only state I have ever lived in, in my entire life. I remember wondering about what it was going to be like, and what I was hoping to get out of it. I remember asking myself, “What was I looking for in this new phase of my life?” And, I remember one thing that was always clear, from the very beginning. I want to be a good pastor. I want to be a great pastor.
I don’t mean this in a bragging sort of way; I’m generally not the kind of person who seeks the spotlight. And, like I’m always telling people, I’m good at making things, but I’m terrible at marketing myself. What I mean when I say, “I want to be a great pastor,” is that I want to be great at my job. I don’t want to just be good at my job, I want to be great at it. I want to be there for people in a way that is truly helpful and nurturing for them. I want to help put structures into place so that the congregation will be resilient and productive. I want to lead people to be better, to be better friends and neighbors and family members. I want to help make this community and the wider community a place where people feel like they belong, a place that generates ideas and actions that make the world a better place. I want to help lead people do the work that God wants us to do.
But, I knew if that was what I was going to do, if that was who I wanted to be, I needed to make sure that I was coming from a good place. That I was emotionally healthy enough to take on a role like that, otherwise, everything would fall apart. I would fall apart.
I had never been to therapy before, even though I have long believed that every single human being would benefit from it. And, I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that I would probably benefit more from therapy than a lot of people.
Most of you know that my brother took his own life about three and a half years ago. A few months after it happened, I decided I should get some professional help, you know, just to make sure I was doing okay. I don’t think most people are qualified to assess themselves in that way, so I just wanted to talk to someone, you know, someone who went to school for this, someone with a degree. I had MediCal at the time, and the way mental health works under that system is you have to call the mental health phone number on the back of your insurance card. So, I called, and after a few minutes on hold, someone asked me a series of questions, a screening questionnaire, which included whether or not I thought I was a danger to myself or others. I said, “No,” and the man I was talking told me that someone would call be back by 5 o’clock that day. No one ever called. Not that day or any day.
It’s hard to explain how difficult it was to make that call in the first place. Like I said, I had never spoken to a therapist before, for lots of reasons, some of which I’m sure I don’t even understand myself. So, when no one called back, I didn’t try again. Even though it was something that I was sure that I needed, something that I was specifically and intentionally looking for.
Our gospel reading today contains the first words that Jesus speaks in the gospel of John, “What are you looking for?” The gospel of John doesn’t have a birth narrative for Jesus, the way that the gospels of Matthew and Luke do. Instead, it starts earlier, describing Jesus as the Word, who was with God and was God, since the beginning. But, the gospel writer doesn’t attribute any words to The Word. Then, John skips ahead to Jesus’ baptism, but even here, Jesus does not speak. John speaks about Jesus, John speaks to Jesus, but Jesus himself does not speak.
It’s not until the day after Jesus is baptized, when two of John’s disciples approach Jesus, and Jesus turns to them and asks, “What are you looking for?” “What are you seeking?” “What do you want?” It’s the perfect text for the second Sunday after Epiphany, the Epiphany, when we commemorate the wise men coming to see the baby Jesus, the wise men who were looking for Jesus, and who found him. “What are you looking for?” “What are you seeking?” “What do you want?” It’s a question from the person who is himself the answer to that question. It’s a question that contains within it the hope, the curiosity, the wonder for what might come, what might happen, after you’ve found the answer to that question. It a question about possibilities.
There are too many barriers to mental health in this country, from the lack of mental health providers, to the limitations imposed by insurance companies, to the lack of education about mental health. Not to mention the barriers that we put up for ourselves. But, despite all of that, I knew that If I was ever going to be a great pastor, I needed to get my house in order. I needed to talk to someone about what happened with brother, what happened to me and my family.
And the gentle nudging of the Holy Spirit, the whispers of Jesus on my heart, finally led me to try again. I talked to my doctor, and she referred me to a therapist, and I have been getting the help that I need. God put me in the right place at the right time, surrounded me with the right people, opened the doors for me so that I could find the help that I was looking for. So that I can become the person that God wants me to be, and do the things that God wants me to do.
We have to ask ourselves, as individuals, as a congregation, “What are we looking for?” Are we looking for our own gain, are we looking for success, are we looking for grand accomplishments, like our culture teaches us to strive for, that our culture tells us is where our worth comes from? Or are we looking for truth, and light, and love? Are we looking to better the lives of others, so that they can experience the peace and the joy that we have experienced through our relationships with each other and with God?
Monday is when we, as a nation, observe Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday. In his famous “I have a dream” speech, he outlined what he was looking for. A world where everyone is treated equally, no matter the color of their skin. A world where everyone is free. A world where everyone works together for a better community. How do we, as a congregation, carry that message forward? How do we take steps towards making that dream a reality? The answer is person who asked the question, “What are you looking for?” We get there by abiding with Jesus, by listening to his teachings, by allowing him into our hearts.
The beginning of the year is a time of self-reflection, a time of new beginnings, a time when people make resolutions to better themselves. What are you looking for? Amen.
~ Rev. Charles Wei
